Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
