I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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