I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
