I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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