Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
