Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I got inside last night via doggy door
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
