sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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