Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
