He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
