clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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