dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
