is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
