She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
