I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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