Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
