Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's Friday. Sex?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
