WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
ttyl tear gas
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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