One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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