The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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