He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
