Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
