Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
