Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
