Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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