we're chasing vodka with high fives
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
