Have you finally orgasmed yet?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
