I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
