Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
