I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
