But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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