they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
