I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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