I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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