I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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