Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
