He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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