i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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