You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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