"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
