we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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