peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
