I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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