its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
