He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
try to milk me bitch
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