dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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