I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
