3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
