my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
