my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
