Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
